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The Biggest Online Dating Red Flags

by on February 11, 2014
in Family and Parenting, Tips & How-Tos, Valentine's Day, Social Networking :: 39 comments

happy coupleMore than one third of marriages in the U.S. begin online, according to a 2013 study released by the National Academy of Sciences. And, interestingly, marriages that begin online are less likely to result in separation or divorce, and those that remained married are happier than their offline counterparts. 

But while online dating may be a great way to find your soul mate, you’ll be confronted with thousands of candidates. And, like many other online offerings, the "product" received may not always be what was advertised. So improve your chance of success by keeping an eye out for the following red flags as you sort through potential date’s profiles:

Photos: Photos can tell you a lot about a potential date. No photo, or a grainy, out-of-focus or outdated photo, are a sign that the person probably has something to hide, or else is not really serious about the dating process. But Vondie Lozano, licensed marriage and family therapist, has some other not-so-obvious flags to add to the list.

  • If they have a ton of photos, it could mean they’re a little self-absorbed.
  • Do they have a photo of themselves with another person cut out of it? That’s a huge red flag on so many levels.
  • Is there someone or something else in all of their photos? It’s good to have outside interests. But if their dog, friends, boat or even their kids are in ALL their photos, it may tell you a little about where you’ll stand in the scheme of things.

Self-description: If the user name or headline is weird, overtly sexual or otherwise inappropriate — Bangyourdaddy, 69Reasons — you can stop there, says Trish McDermott, a founding team member of Match.com. Also avoid people that disclose too much, whether it’s a recent staph infection, bankruptcy or bad breakup. And McDermott recommends steering clear of people who don’t have kids but use undue space in their profile soliciting information about the age and sex of your children.

Christan Marashio, founder of AndThatsWhyYoureSingle.com, adds that “it's normal for people to have some trouble crafting a profile and to use self-deprecating humor to lighten the mood. Too much humor is usually a sign that the person is insecure and uncomfortable with being vulnerable, which could lead to problems with emotional intimacy down the road. The humor is used to distract.”

Marital status: “separated”: This one isn’t necessarily a deal breaker. But Dan Neuharth, licensed marriage and family therapist, says “you need to find out just how separated he is. He may be legitimately finished with his marriage emotionally, but the paperwork isn't final. But many separated people are nowhere near done. They may be on a trial separation, seeking variety, or way too fresh from a bad relationship to date seriously.” And if the person is still talking about their ex, that’s a red flag.

What he/she’s looking for: Requiring too much or too little are both red flags. You’ll never live up to the laundry list. If the person really doesn’t care, they’re probably looking for a “date,” not a relationship, or he or she may be looking to scam you.

Neuharth also notes that while it’s common for men to want to date women younger than themselves, if there's too much of an age gap, it's a sign he’s probably not looking for an equal partner in the relationship.

Updated on 2/11/2014

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If the person is single,

From Mikw on February 09, 2012 :: 1:29 pm

If the person is single, what else would they put in their photos, but their dog, etc?

I take a LOT of photographs. I’ve sold numerous images. Does that make me self-absorbed?

What’s a “weird” user name?

Another one should be added:

When a woman says her children come first, over everything else. I can respect that choice and I do. However, to me, it means I am going to get stood up a lot; that when I am with someone they aren’t going to give me their undivided attention when we aren’t with her kids; and that a woman isn’t really interested in a relationship and is hiding behind her kids. When I’ve dated women with children, you can’t believe some of the things parents have called me. One had to be held back by other members of his family when he tried to assault me.

So, I don’t even read profiles that say, “...my children will always come first.” I think kids are really cool, but I don’t need to be in a relationship where I will always com second.

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I agree with MIKW.

From Michelle36 on February 09, 2012 :: 2:04 pm

I agree with MIKW.  Your mate has to come first.  Kids grow up and move on with their own lives.  I used to date a loser who “worshiped” his supposed ex.  All I heard was “Queenie” this, and “Queenie” that.  It drove me right out of the relationship.  I resented the fact that I was second to none.  Thank God I dumped the POS and now I’m dating a decent guy!

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I do NOT agree.

From Eloriel on February 14, 2012 :: 12:16 pm

From a mother’s perspective, let me give you a reason why I would put my child over a man. This is by far not the only one, but it is the easiest to explain.

For one, my child has been in my life for, let’s say, two years. During those two years I was a single mother, or even an estranged mother. I’ve met you, and we go out on a couple of dates.
See, there is always the possibility of you dropping me for some reason or another, but that child? I carried them in my womb, and they need someone to raise them right. Not a woman who will go “Oh honey, mommy is so sorry your sick, but I’m still going to take you to your grandmother’s because “so-and-so” will be upset with me for ‘standing him/her up’.”

If you’re so arrogant as to think that you should be more important than any child, then you really have no business dating a mother.

Find a woman who is sterile, done with her childbearing, or doesn’t want kids. Don’t put mothers down because you are that much of a narcissist.

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Chill Out!

From Michelle36 on February 14, 2012 :: 2:39 pm

Whoa!  Take it easy here, you need to grow up and quit with the immature insults.  I’m not saying a mother should put her child 2nd to any guy.  What I’m saying is when there is a committed healthy (non abusive) relationship, your mate is important too.  Like I said before, kids grow up and live their own lives.  Your mate is the one who will grow old with you (hopefully) and spend the rest of his life with you.  So chill out, other people have a right to their views too.

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It was not directed at

From Eloriel on February 14, 2012 :: 2:50 pm

It was not directed at you, nor anywhere in there was there an “Immature insult”. That’s exactly what MIKW was complaining about…coming second to someone’s child, which is a very narcissistic trait.

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I so agree with you!

From Jennifer Bauman on August 03, 2012 :: 1:33 pm

I agree with you 100%. If I had kids, I would NEVER put a man before my children!

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I Have News For You...

From Ron Davidson on February 22, 2012 :: 3:00 pm

If you enter into a relationship with a woman with Children…young or older children dosent matter…they will ALWAYS come first! The worse is *Teenage Girls*...unless of course you love spending every weekend at THE MALL!

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age ratio

From Rich Moser on February 09, 2012 :: 2:30 pm

This is good, but I do disagree with the one about older men looking for younger women. I don’t think it has to do with “equality” in the relationship, unless you mean age equality. There is nothing wrong with an older man dating a younger woman in general, or vice versa. It is quite normal in our society. A sense of equality comes from one’s attitude, and you’ve got to ask questions and get to know someone before that becomes clear.

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What About This?

From Ron Davidson on February 22, 2012 :: 2:54 pm

When she waits 7 weeks to tell you “i am a illegal immigrant and so are 2 of my 3 children”?

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another dealbreaker...

From Scott on August 05, 2012 :: 10:07 am

Here’s another dealbreaker for you with reference to online dating…or ANY dating for that matter, gentlemen.  Height.  If you are under 5’9”, you are D-E-A-D in the water, period.  Oh, you may have those RARE occasions where a really nice, cute, funny, smart, attractive woman turns up who happens to be petite (five feet tall or less), but this is VERY rare.  Attractive, desireable single women 5’1” and over in most cases will NOT even consider you if you are 5’7” or less, and in most cases 5’8” in borderline.  Ideal is 5’11” and above.  Sorry, this isn’t my idea.  The heart wants what it wants, and no one can choose what attributes attract them.  But adequate height on a man sure does.  Don’t believe me?  Look on Match and see for yourself; I’ve had my membership on there since June 20th.  This height issue is so common, it’s not even funny anymore.  Game over. hmmm

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Scott, are you working for

From Rich Moser on August 05, 2012 :: 11:41 am

Scott, are you working for the other side now? It sounds like you’re trying to discourage other men. Why do I think you’re under 5-9 yourself? But truly, the only broken deals are in the hearts of the closed-minded. If we believe what you wrote, we should just kill all men under 5-9, game over. Anyone so stuck on height is not playing with a full deck. Women who are so fixated on height are going to get more than they bargained for and that’s how we learn and grow I guess.

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inclined to agree

From Scott on August 06, 2012 :: 11:37 am

Rich, you are preaching to the choir here.  But have you BEEN on Match.com lately?  I’ve been working that damn thing for months, with paid membership (and sending messages as a result) since June 20th.  And what do I get for all the outreach?  Five-nine, five-nine, five-eleven, six foot.  Once in a GREAT while an attractive, interesting woman of 5’5” may come around and agree to talk to a guy of 5’7” (and you are right, I am only 5’7” and it’s KILLING me!)  But that is very, very rare.  Trust me, I’m in the trenches, and I KNOW what I’m talking about.  As for what to do, we have a few options.  1) give up on love and just live your own life without the companionship of a woman), or 2) lower YOUR standards to the point that you are willing to date and sleep with someone who is HIDEOUSLY ugly.  I’m sure such a woman is very kind, compassionate, and may even try hard in bed.  But if you’re not turned on by her (ugly, fat, manly-looking, etc), then you’re at a dead end anyway. 
Which brings us back to my original option…GIVE UP!

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I agree with you Scott im in the same boat

From Guystafo on August 14, 2012 :: 12:09 am

I tried hard for a year on eharmony and match, i’ve had 0 results with matches whom we shared many things in common but my height ended up being their deciding factor at the end some said they like wearing heels and don’t want to stand teller then the man they date.

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Not every woman feels that

From Jennifer Bauman on August 06, 2012 :: 4:48 pm

Not every woman feels that way Scott. I would have no problem dating a shorter guy. And I really dont think it’s rare that a woman would date a guy under 5’9.

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rare gem

From Scott on August 06, 2012 :: 8:24 pm

That’s nice of you to say, Jennifer Bauman.  You are obviously a rare and deep woman, but sadly, most of your sisters feel differently.  They want that tall, dark, ‘n handsome.

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I agree about Height

From TAG on August 06, 2012 :: 10:06 pm

I’m a 43yr old male with a great job.  On every dating site I’ve been to its the same.  I hide the fact that I’m 5’2”.  The minute a woman takes an interest in me & we start talking back & forth, she disappears rather quickly when she discovers I’m “short”. Meanwhile, they’re describing themselves as “BBW” or “has kids”. 

My all-time favs: Overweight women, middle aged, with kids wanting a guy over 6’ tall with a Harley Davidson cycle.  Must be the female version of the midlife crisis.

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true...

From Scott on August 07, 2012 :: 9:29 pm

Tag, I’m not surprised they pull a vanishing act when they discover you are short.  Sadly, short men to them holds an equivalence to fat women to us.  I’m not saying WE as men are rigth to run the other way from chubby ladies, I’m just saying this is a real factor, and no one can consciously decide what features they are attracted to.

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not true

From SE on December 31, 2013 :: 1:07 pm

This is totally untrue. I’m around 5’3 and I’ve dated guys 5’7 and shorter. Last one I was with claimed to be 5’6, but he seemed more like 5’4. And I’d date a short guy again. I’d even date a guy shorter than me, if I was attracted to his other physical features and he treated me right.

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Short Man Complex there Scott?

From Tango on August 06, 2012 :: 6:58 am

I’m short (5’6”) and I date a LOT of “Amazon Size Women”(5’10” and taller). I love ‘em! If they SHOULD have an issue with my shortness I tell them I’m a “superglue guy” - all she has to do is superglue a glove to the small of my back, put her hand in it and use me for a “sex toy” if nothing else ... humor can defuse most anything!

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trying humor...

From Scott on August 06, 2012 :: 11:42 am

Tango, I’m trying humor.  I write and tell them that I’m willing to put on rollerblades to increase my height, and keep them on!  I wonder how it might work wearing roller blades to bed during a sex session?  Hmm…anyway, I’ll keep at it.

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Short Men Need Not Apply

From Amy on August 06, 2012 :: 10:47 am

Sorry Tango, I’m 5’9” and unless I already know you, I won’t even take a chance on going out with someone shorter than I am.

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common attitude..

From Scott on August 06, 2012 :: 11:41 am

Amy, your feelings about height are perfectly normal, even though they are at least very inconvenient for short men (which I now define as ANYTHING under 5’9”).  I want you to know that I don’t blame you, or any other woman for feeling that way.  You can’t control who you are attracted to; the heart wants what it wants, and there are only so many triggers out there to get your hormones flowing.  If height is it, then height is it…there’s NOTHING you can do about it, nor can any man.  I just HATE HATE HATE that I’m a short, puny worthless husk of a man with nothing to offer, that’s all.

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Amy, what on Earth do

From Rich Moser on August 06, 2012 :: 12:14 pm

Amy, what on Earth do you mean by “take a chance?” Do you mean there is some chance that a shorter man might just conceivably be the man of your dreams? When you are able to let go of your preconceptions and embrace reality, then and only then will you get your wishes fulfilled. BTW, 5’8” is about average. Which means that about half of men are that tall or shorter than that. It’s great that you feel so deserving of the best, but you’re eliminating half of the choices arbitrarily!

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shortness inconvenient, not deal breaker

From Marc on August 06, 2012 :: 11:15 am

Scott, being short isn’t the deal breaker you think it is. Yes it is certainly a factor that women use, just like men use weight and other physical features of a woman to gauge attractiveness. Yes if you are short there are women who will just never date you. I know this from personal experience at 5’7” (rounding up). But there are indeed plenty of people for whom one physical shortcoming is not a deal breaker - quality people evaluate each other on “the whole package”. I met the love of my life online 6 years ago and we’ve been together ever since. She’s only 4’10” and calls me her “giant”. grin And my dating life before that was fine, sure I had challenges like everyone else but I had my share of successes too. So be patient, work on those things you can control and good things will eventually come your way.

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Another alternative

From Josh Kirschner on August 07, 2012 :: 7:35 am

For those not finding success on Match.com or other traditional dating sites, we published an article recently on alternative dating sites that may be a better “match” for you.

http://www.techlicious.com/guide/alternatives-to-traditional-dating-sites/

Best,
Josh

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Height isn't everything

From Cynthia Roberson Armistead on August 07, 2012 :: 3:41 pm

Scott, I’m 5’7” and one of the sexiest guys I’ve ever dated was 5’6”. I’m automatically attracted to big, tall guys, but he got my attention and held it. So don’t give up - decent women aren’t going to filter you out based solely on height.

Of course, as many men filter women out based on weight as there are women filtering on height, so I suppose it’s “fair” in a twisted sense that leaves a lot of people lonely.

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Only large height differences matter

From Tom - Tampa on August 27, 2012 :: 11:54 am

I’m a recently divorced, about 6 months, mid fifties guy kind of talkative and witty.  I am just under 5’9” and including my ex of 12 years, my average partner has been usually a little taller than I am.  My ex was 5’11” and in heels you can do the math. 

One thing, I rarely meet woman thru online dating.  So maybe the old “meeting in person” thing offsets the need for a woman to have a man taller then they are.  Truthfully a good woman wants a dependable man who they can count on.  In general I radiate confidence, which is not easily done via online dating without sounding self-absorbed.

It may also be the way I carry myself and I am built on the more in shape side of things.  Not meek or weak.  I don’t know.

Tom

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Woman putting their children first...

From TOM - TAMPA on August 27, 2012 :: 12:08 pm

As father and step-father I have raised two girls, a step-daughter now 20, my own daughter of 14 and over the years have dated a few woman who had kids.

From the mom’s point of view, since I am not the children’s father, and until proven otherwise, just a transient in her life, then I agree strongly with a women who put their children first.

Of course there has to be balance, but if I truly want this woman in my life, then my place will always be a healthy second to her children. As others have stated, at some time the children will grow and build there own lives. 

A relationship with a mom & kids should be about building a family, a partnership, and life together. The guy is the outsider and may always be for a very long time.  So it will take more patients then dating a woman with no kids.

Tom

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What guys are looking for

From Johnny Boy on October 11, 2013 :: 2:36 am

Well, you’re right in that a lot of people post a lot of photos. In a woman’s profile I would expect to see at least 3 photos: one of her face that’s clear, preferable from at least shoulders on up; one of her out and about whether with friends or not; and a third showing full body shot.

Everything else that I’m looking for is pretty much like what this guy describes:

http://blogs.davelozinski.com/datingandrelationships/what-im-looking-for-in-a-woman

He’s hit the nail on the head with his post. We’re not asking for much ladies. grin

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Not much, eh?

From Cynthia Roberson Armistead on October 11, 2013 :: 4:13 am

That’s fine, as long as the guy looking meets those standards himself. Although for the height, the male equivalent would be more like over 6’ tall, maybe 6’2”.

Most of the guys I’ve known who whine about being unable to meet decent women have much higher standards than they themselves meet. They are 3’s seeking 8’s or better.

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On dating shorter guys and kids in pics

From soulamei on February 05, 2014 :: 11:26 am

I am a 5’9” woman myself and love wearing heels. I’ve had more than one man indicate that he simply does not like having a woman taller than him, and it makes him feel bad. I was quite happy to date them (they were only an inch or two shorter at most) but they ultimately dumped me and found shorter girls. It’s hard for us tall girls, too. :(

As for profile pictures, it actually creeps me out if someone is putting a picture of their CHILDREN on a dating site. I mean, sure if it’s a happy family pic at Disney that’s alright. But I’ve seen some guys add lone pics of their kids, dogs, or trucks as pictures. That is always a red flag to me. I’m not dating these things, I want to date YOU. Once we get closer, then I can meet your kids, your dog, or your truck. smile

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still drawing comments...

From Scott on February 05, 2014 :: 1:23 pm

Interesting, this thread is still drawing comments 1 1/2 years later.  So, it’s been 1 1/2 years since some people on here told me “oh, height does not matter; oh, it’s what’s inside, oh, it’ll happen when you least expect it, blah blah blah.”  Guess what?  NOTHING since I first commented about height in late summer of 2012.  Nothing.  No dates, no relationships; I haven’t been asked out.  I haven’t been given any signal by any woman that it’s OK to approach, start up conversation, or ask for a date. Nothing.  Nothing at all.  That’s the dating world today.  A big nothing.  I have forfeited; I stand defeated and broken by a game I can’t win.  I hope everyone else has had better luck than I.  There’s nothing more I can do.  It all comes down to height, looks, power, notoriety, stuff like that.  Women don’t give a damn what’s “inside a man’s character,” because there’s no way for them to know that about guys they refuse to speak to, and refuse to give permission to be approached.  So, that’s where it’s been left.  Very unfortunate; I had hoped I could have made someone happy.  But that’s not going to happen.

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height as an issue

From Danielle on February 12, 2014 :: 12:36 pm

I have been learning a great deal about myself over the past few years. One thing that stands out universally in attracting a partner or even just an enjoyable date night is that we radiate what we think about ourselves in the way we interact. Some of your rejection experiences might be coming from your own view of yourself in comparison to other men. The men who’ve placed comments with views about their own height not being an issue at all in their successful dating ventures also come across as much more confident. You might want to consider the possibility that you need to a adjust your perspective and value of yourself first before attempting to attract someone because dating is precisely that: the phenomenon of attracting someone. Women will certainly find whatever you first find standout and engaging and powerful about yourself just as exciting to explore; but it could be that you need to take the time first to discover your own value and stature.

Best wishes in your journey!

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"Right On", MIKW

From Shkveezer on February 12, 2014 :: 11:22 am

I TOTALLY agree with you.

First off: Many pics are “proof in advertising” and you only look as good TODAY as your worst pic, which often is the most recent one. Pics need to be dated, too.

YEAH: and I SURELY DON’T want to see kids or, be subordinated by them, dogs (OY….the dogs….that’s they’re TRUE love and those prominently display them are ALREADY INVOLVED in a “relationship”)....particularly, those little cockroach/centipede dogs….

Don’t get me wrong: I LOVE dogs and cats (especially, cats) but, IF you’re on a date site, LOSE the trees, the sunsets, canines, kiddies, mom and pop. It’s NOT a kennel, day care center or, National Geographic, for Chrissssakes!

I’ve read THOUSANDS of profiles and humor (which I’M a big fan of, anywhere) can distinguish, as SO MANY people post some of the blandest, generic garbage. Many, demand a “sense of humor” but, you can soon discover that many surely don’t have one, at all…

While some profiles are quite “telling” (too telling in some cases)...“different strokes for…..”....some you can generalize and some you can’t….

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short guys

From dale on February 12, 2014 :: 11:27 am

I am 5’4”.
I was surprised by the number of shorter women who only wanted taller guys.

It seemed like the requirement was 8-10 inches taller.

It surprised me to find someone my age, 5’2” looking for 5’10”.

I emailed a couple offering the fact that meeting me and standing around talking to me would be much better on their neck!

But I found my match, and we are fine.
Just takes patience.
Dab

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Height is not the problem

From Diana Hammond on February 12, 2014 :: 1:13 pm

Scott, you come across as insecure, needy & whiny.  You are so focused on what you perceive to be a failing that you shoot yourself in the foot before you even get going. Women tend to look for guys who are truthful, with a sense of humor about themselves, act like a gentleman & are upbeat about life in general. Since you seem so focused on the physical about yourself I’m guessing you are the same way about the women you’re looking at as well.  I’m guessing this comes across in your profile is obvious or subtle ways that women pick up on, even subconciously.
It’s not your height, or bank account, or car that do anything past the first glance….it’s how YOU USE THEM!

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Wah, wah, wah

From Julie Isham 536 on February 19, 2014 :: 8:30 pm

Hey, let’s just change the men’s height to a woman’s weight. Guess what - I’m a big ugly woman, who just left a marriage when, after 23 years, I found out my “soul mate” was gay. (hmm… guess “bitter” fits in there too)
Yep, I’m sorry men, if you don’t like the fat. And the face is pretty bad too - oh boo hoo. I would never date you Scot, because you have nothing to offer me but a whiney “I’m just too short”. Well, I’m not going to whine back. I’m big, I’m ugly - but I love myself… which is something I’m sure you can’t say! And no, don’t get me wrong - I am not whining - I am the way God made me, and at one time I thought I had a soul mate - surprise!
Oh, and I don’t care if you’re 3ft - or even 7ft - Unlike most, I can look past the outside and can appreciate the inside. (Which means your grey matter better be what matters!!) Most can’t look past my outside and see the inside - but guess what? I don’t want you then! YOU are the one missing out - and Scott - you need to learn that attitude instead of whining about how terrible it is to be short! Well, it’s terrible to be fat - or too tall - or scarred - or ... It is actually only terrible if YOU let it be.
Sorry you can’t find someone - but I wouldn’t look at you twice because of your attitude - not your height! Of course as you seem pretty picky about a woman having to be beautiful - you wouldn’t look at me twice - but the difference is I DON’T CARE.
Give up - online dating seems to not be you’re answer!!! I never asked it the question!!!!
Jewely

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Denial everywhere we look...

From Scott on February 19, 2014 :: 10:03 pm

Julie, you do give an entertaining speech.  But your perceptions of attraction dynamics bear little resemblance to reality.  Say what you will about my attitude (what you know of my attitude having never met me?  Snap judge much?), but at least I am willing to accept the realities of sexual attraction the way they ARE instead of they way I wish they were.  In a man, height has EVERYTHING to do with attraction.  So does the appearance of dominance he gives off.  So do many other things which are detectable without even talking to the guy.  That’s the key.  As I said, at least I know when the competition has me beat, and when to forfeit a game I cannot win.  Attitude is not relevant in the early stages of attraction.  But then, somehow I suspect you know this already.

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Snap?!!!

From Julie on February 20, 2014 :: 1:48 pm

Snap judge? Are you an idiot (note this is a question, but not a judgement!)??? Did you even READ what you said? If you’re attitude is different, you might want to watch what you say!

Hey, it’s YOU who thinks that height has to do with attraction - I definitely don’t. I like a man with strong facial features - and I don’t care one whit about how far down I have to look… that’s my ATTRACTION - so don’t think every single woman out there gives a hoot you’re not tall… it’s your attitude I’m sure that’s turning them away!!!
(Oh, poor me, I’m short so no one on earth will find me attractive… GET OVER YOURSELF!) I don’t have a clue of your looks - you’ve given me a lot about your height - but it’s the attitude of “poor me, I can’t get into a relationship because I’m short” that turns ME (and I’m sure a lot of other women out there) OFF - attitude IS a big then even at the beginning of a relationship. Why would I waste time on someone who bemoans his height over and over and over (and over…) again? Not worth my time. Give me a dwarf with a good attitude, and I’m turned on! ATTITUDE IS RELEVANT. You just don’t see it, as you have your mind set that it’s your height!
At least I’m at peace with my status… you aren’t and I’m sorry. But, don’t call me for any dates!!!

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